Have you ever felt a pang of guilt consume you when you failed to host a gourmet spread for dinner because you were simply exhausted? Have you been subjected to judgmental gazes across the conference room when an emergency call from school compelled you to leave in the midst of a discussion? Or those innumerable occasions that you missed being with your family while you were on work related travel? More seriously, how often have you felt that your career is at war with your biological clock and you have to make a choice that will stay with you for life?

Hold still for a minute, you lovely woman of today!

A complete Woman

The time has come when we may want to internalize the belief that it is okay to be a ‘lesser’ woman at work or at home, in the quest to be a fuller woman in the true sense of the word. It is not about gender conflict, or gender inequality that leads to these heightened expectations and strenuous circumstances for women. More often than not, it is the inconceivably high standards that we create for ourselves, which consequently set us up for failure. Then we beat ourselves up every time we fail to match up to these lofty expectations. We need to realize that our occasional inability to match up to everyone’s expectations (including our own) is not a failure. It does not make us a lesser person. Inequality doesn’t necessarily come in from outside. The genesis of inequality is within our own minds. Our conditioning leads to unnatural expectations from ourselves. Those expectations subtly compel us to don the hat of a superwoman. Then we attempt to beat the odds to achieve results, which we label in our minds as uncompromised deliverables. Therein begins a never ending cycle of wanting to be everything for everyone, eventually leading to immeasurable stress, guilt and self-castigation when we are unable to achieve the multitude of lofty goals. 

Let’s think hard for a moment. Why should it bother us if there are a bunch of people judging us for having to attend to an emergency? Is it possible that we are the ones judging ourselves while reeling under that insatiable guilt, and inadvertently passing on the baton of judgement to the others in the room?

Today, every progressive organization is attempting to break the bias, and cultivate a DNA of inclusion. This would imply that when they hire a competent woman, they are also willing to pay the price of competence. Perhaps then, we should refrain from self-judgment while making choices that are natural for any working woman. The world sees us through our eyes. Unless we stop judging ourselves, we will continue feeling and being judged by others.

The power of letting it be

As I said earlier, for many among us, there is an inevitable war between our biological clock and our career goals. However, why is it that we feel compelled to choose between the two? Can they not co-exist instead of being an either-or option? Believing that they are not mutually exclusive might help us on the journey of making them co-exist.

This is where the ability of letting a few things be would make a world of difference in our quest towards becoming a fuller human being. Increasingly, organizations are embracing and welcoming women going through motherhood. Efforts in the right direction are being made to engage women at work, keeping in mind the challenges faced by several young mothers. 

I see the emergence of balance and harmony in this context. Surely, there is a long way to go and the vast majority of organizations still need to adapt their structure, policy and attitude towards working women. However, recent events and experience have proven that the synergy is possible. 

Notwithstanding all this, the debate between different stakeholders still continues. There are those who feel that not enough is being done to break the bias. And there is the other side who feels that it is much ado about nothing. This deliberation and resulting tide of emotions associated with such arguments will likely continue for some time. There may not be much that we can do to change that. What is more within the ambit of our own control is how we handle ourselves in the midst of all this. 

Hence the need for letting it be! Let things take their own course. Do as much as you can, to the best of your ability. Importantly, take a break from judging yourself when you know you can’t do anything more than what you are already doing. Don’t feel guilty about your baby having pumped milk when you are not physically available. Your baby will respect you and love you for the resilience and balance you have demonstrated in bringing up the child while managing your work responsibilities. At the same time, don’t feel miserable in case you fail to attend an important meeting because of an emergency at home. There will be team members who can pick up the baton if you cannot be around temporarily. And if there aren’t any, an occasional miss of a meeting won’t be the end of the world especially when people around you see the effort you put in on all the other days to give your best at work. See yourself through a fresh lens and the world will respond to you. 

The Power of letting be is something that needs to emerge from within. Setting realistic expectations for ourselves, and systematically working to achieve our dreams is a wonderful balance that can be achieved. Being a woman is not just about what we do at work or how we are at home. We could be both. Not a ‘lesser’ woman at work or a ‘lesser’ mom, wife or daughter. But a more complete woman irrespective of the role we play at different times of the day or in our lives. 

I am reminded of a few unforgettable lines authored by Rose Milligan. 

‘Dust if you must, 

But wouldn't it be better to paint a picture, or write a letter.

Bake a cake, or plant a seed;

Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, 

But there's not much time,

With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;

Music to hear, and books to read;

Friends to cherish, and life to lead’

More Power to all the wonderful women out there.